Friday, March 21, 2003

What Makes Me Crabby?

Montreal Hockey Fans. They boo'ed the American anthem. First of all, Shut Up. Secondly, the US anthem is better than ours. Thirdly, we should be ashamed of ourselves.
War. It makes me think of the last war, when I was living in Montreal. Both sucked.
Dog Crap. It's all over the place.
Laundry. Does it ever end?
Cat puke. Ditto.
Junk Mail. The grammar! Have you actually read the unsolicited shit that comes to your home? Shudder! Actually, bad grammar makes me crabby too.
Oprah's Book Club. Three of my library books have that stupid logo on their covers. Now I don't want to read them.
Martha. Last night she did a segment on what to pack for long hikes with your dog. AS IF she walks her own dogs.

If War and Oscar Winners Won't Fill Your Weekend...Consider Renting:
-Moonlit Mile. It's Ordinary People for GenX, but not as good. It's loosely based on a true story, has a great cast, and a super performance by Susan Sarandon, who I love love love. We both liked it, perhaps because of the rockin' soundtrack.
-Blood Work. Yep, I'm endorsing a Clint Eastwood movie. Great story. Of course we figured it out before the end, but that's 'cuz we're SMRT.
-The Ring. I didn't catch all of it, because I kept hiding under the blanket. What I did see was ridiculous, and not in a good way.
-The Badge: Billy Bob Thornton is very skilled at portraying dispicable men. This time, he's in a town full of them. Thow in some lesbian strippers, some trans-gender types, and you got yerself one spicy Louisiana story.
-X vs. Sever (sp?): Blech. Shoot Bang Boom. Dick Flick. Sole redeeming factor: filmed in Vancouver.
-The Banger Sisters: Chick Flick. To reduce effects of X vs. Sever, watch Goldie Hawn. Easy entertainment. I especially liked their Rock Cock collection of photographs. Most hilarious parts - any scene with Geoffrey Rush. Worst parts - any scene with Susan Sarandon in those pants.

What Makes Me Smile

Huckle: the cat who doesn't live here. I have given Huckle our cat food, our cat toys, a wool blanket in a box when it was cold, and get nothing in return. Now that's love, baby. Too bad he's filthy and smells like garbage.

Sammy!: I get to see my nephew tomorrow! And I'm not just saying that because my sister's going to read this.

Martha: Oh come on. She makes me laugh. Last night she did a segment on what to pack for long hikes with your dogs. As if she walks her own dogs. Hmph.

American Idol: Love the show. Three hours every week of people singing. It's pure entertainment - I listen to each and think "oh you'll win for sure".

What Makes Me Crabby

Fake Ladies: I was in line behind a fake boob, fake lip, fake tan ("Hello, I'm orange"), bottle blonde yesterday, waiting for a bagel. I was ignored by three guys who busied themselves making her sandwhich.

Dog Do: It's on the lawn. It's on the sidewalk. It's everywhere.

War: It makes me sad. It makes me think of Montreal, and the other war, and Marc Lepine, and how I'm ashamed to be a Canadian right now.

Hockey fans in Montreal: I can't believe they boo'ed the US anthem. First of all, shut up. Secondly, their anthem is way better than ours. Thirdly, we should be hanging our heads. Is it finally OK for me to say that French people are ignorant? Thank you.

Wednesday, March 19, 2003

What's Your House Smell Like?

Remember Soup Wiff from Wayne's World? My house has Soup Wiff, after cooking a pot roast all yesterday afternoon. The whole place smells like beef, despite burning incense stick after incense stick. It's been worse... I remember cigar party wiff, singed electrical cord wiff, burned pizza wiff, and worst of all, very very sick cat wiff, which took days and much Fabreeze to disspiate.

The pot roast was cooked in honour of my parents' safe return home from their American trailer park and discount outlet mall odyssey. They brought me back a lint trap as a souvenir.

Tuesday, March 18, 2003

The Job Search

There are some most excellent job titles out there, just waiting for the perfect candidate to snatch 'em up. Some of the best I've noticed recently include:
Major Gifts Coordinator - "Oh really, you shouldn't have. Please send this to someone who needs it more."
Social Responsibility Officer - "Hey! Nosepickin' just ain't permitted here. And put that cigarette out. No, not on the carpet. Have you called yer mother?"
Editorial Supervisor - "You can't say that. Or that. What style guide are you using? Chicago? You can't use that. Have you considered the Quebec position at all?
Associate, Communicable Diseases - "Cough please. Just a little closer. Closer... closer.... closer...."
Park Interpreters - "For seventy four years, this park has been calling out to lobbyists across our nation... calling for change... for meaning..."
Board Crimes Investigator - "I say Mrs. Peacock, in the library, with the candlestick!"

What's the worst job you've ever had? Mine was a "babysitter" for Upjohn in Montreal. My oh so special assignment was to sit with with newly admitted psych patients in Monteal's Children's Hospital. Most of the kids had recently atttempted suicide, and couldn't be left without supervision of some sort. I was paid $7.00/hr to listen to children sob, to parents assign blame, to siblings quarrel. I only got to leave the room if a priest/confessor arrived. I worked the midnight shift.

The best job? Selling Girl Guide Cookies. Who turns away a cute little girl in a bonny little dress carrying cookies? It doesn't get better than that!

Monday, March 17, 2003

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

To ligate or not to ligate, that is the question. OHIP will cover the procedure... no surprise there. Any org under the direction of men would naturally cough up the money for a woman to have her tubes tied, just so they don't have to take a half hour out of their day to be snipped. Are there any event planners out there who can stage the operation? Decorate the hospital room ( I envision some plastic palm trees and canvas deck chairs )... prepare speaking notes for our grateful husbands.... arrange catering ( blender drinks, sliced mango ), keep the press away... I say "our husbands", since a close friend is also considering tubal ligation. Ah, the things we do for love.

How I Know I'm Getting Old

1) My parents have retired.
2) One of my best friends makes me use coasters. Coasters!
3) A doctor told me recently "As we age, dear....".
4) I have a nephew in university.
5) I use words like 'photodynamic therapy' and 'lycopene' in sentences.
6) I have forsaken Entertainment Tonight for CNN. Wolf Blitzer's a hottie!
7) I think Wolf Blitzer's a hottie.
8) Recently spent $47 on anti-aging serum.
9) Movie stars are dating people younger than I.
10) One word: insoles.