Friday, May 23, 2003

Seen and Heard

This week's bizarre happenings made me laugh so hard I nearly peed my pants. I hope you enjoy them too.

In rainy Prince Edward County: black muscle car, running, locked, blaring Johnny Cash at ear-splitting levels. The owner was sitting in the garage drinking beer from a can, waiting for CAA. The keys were of course, in the car. He couldn't look us in the eye for the rest of the weekend.

On the Queen 501 streetcar: homeless woman with lots of plastic bags tells me "People make themselves unavailable to each other." "Yeah, I hate that," says me. Shocked, she gets up and changes seats! A smelly homeless person ditched me!

In backyard: manky squirrel boxes Skinny Kitty Big Head in the face.

Municipal parking office: "No, you can't have two cars with the same plates." "Yes, two car, same pwate. Pahk cars on stweet." One big problem, no common language. Of course I only found this funny because I was at the front of the line, not the end of the line...

The Friday Five

1) If you were to suddenly leave your job today, never to return, what would you miss the most?
This happened to me last year - and I missed my friends the most. This feeling passed after about three months - at which point I missed my income the most.

2) What things would you miss the least?
I least miss chairing committees, the pig bitch that I reported to, and the commute (bus subway bus then walk up a hill).

3) Would your former colleagues pillage through your stuff?
You bet they did. My toy eyeball collection was not returned in its entirety; however, they still managed to ship me seven boxes of my "stuff" (I had a big office)!

4) If you could change one thing about your job, what would that be?
On Monday I start a new job, so I'm not sure what I'll want to change. I suspect that my boss is a pod-person, so maybe I'd morph her into a cool broad.

5) Are you adequately remunerated for what you do? Don't be greedy - be honest!
This remains to be seen. Considering the three weeks plus seven days of vacation that I'll enjoy, I am likely well compensated.

Thursday, May 22, 2003

The Best Day Ever

If this was Wednesday, I'd buy a lotto ticket. Sister StaceyPatrick buys me a tiny magnetic bendy dog! Then she buys me lunch. Then, in my favourite consignment store, I find an un-worn pair of Calvin Klein navy leather sling backs for $15.00! The original price sticker read $450.00. Gasp! Next, off to the municipal parking office to renew our parking permit. Wonder of wonders, only three people were ahead of me in line. Hurrah! I'd postponed this errand for an entire week, envisioning Russian bread line-type crowds. My good luck continued when I caught a streetcar right away, AND got a seat! When I got to my stop, I turned to the driver and said "Thank you," as I often do, and he responded "Have a great afternoon, bright eyes." Wait - I'm not done! Mr. Crabby treated me to take-in Jamaican food for dinner!

The dark cynic that lurks inside me suspects I'll be gunned down in a robbery-gone-wrong tomorrow. Nobody can have the happy day I've just enjoyed and not pay their karmic dues. For example, I'm now certain these new shoes will be the death of me - I can't walk in them! There are crutches in my future, but it will be worth it. Big bargain, bad sprain. It figures.

Tuesday, May 20, 2003

"Enough about you, let's talk about life for a while"
That's one of my favourite Alanis Morisette (sp?) lyrics. But forget life. Let's talk about me me me me. My recent and long-lasting existential crisis has ended - don't worry, a new one is imminent - and it's time to reflect on what I've learned about me. Namely:

I am too hard on myself.
My standards are too high, but I like that about me.
I know a little bit about a lot of things, not the other way around.
I am not my mother.
I never play dumb.
When I am dumb, I am very truly sincerely dumb.
I am exceptional.
I always speak my mind.
I really, really, really want a dog.
I hate gardening.
I am pro-choice, pro-military, and pro-napping.
I believe that things happen for a reason.
I don't like my neighbours, The Superhunk and His Cold Shoulder .
I'm OK with that.

There are other things that I've known about myself for a long time, but these are my most recent epiphanies. For instance, I just gave up trying to like the neighbours yesterday afternoon. "Life's too short," I thought; I'm turning 35 soon, and I know there are many others more deserving of my friendship.

take the antisocial test.

and go to because laura's feeling social.

Seen and Heard

Chip asked for funny headlines. Here are my two favourites, which live in infamy on my bulletin board:

"Shot by cop, naked man attacks tree"
The Toronto Sun, Wednesday, October 27, 1999

"Nuns warn of plan to slaughter refugees"
The Toronto Star, Thursday, September 16th, 1999

I also remember reading about the Queen Mary having her bottom scraped.

Also in the news, here's the newest auto accessory trend for the man who has everything. I'm horrified!