Friday, October 17, 2003

The Friday Five!

1. Name five things in your refrigerator.
Pickled carrots, pickled mushrooms, pickled onions, pickled cucumbers, olives (black and green).

2. Name five things in your freezer.
Hunk of fresh horseradish, hunk of stilton, bag of green finger chillies, gin, ice cubes.

3. Name five things on your desk.
Pictures of kitty kitties, bottle of Excedrin, pile of fact sheets to edit, plate of melon, pile of paper swatches.

4. Name five things around your computer.
Bart and Lisa Simpson action figures on skateboards, cup of tea, speakers, lamp, phone.

5. Name five things in your basement that you need to deal with.
Extra litter box, bag of clothes to give away, dead refrigerator, pile of Mr. Crabby's gear on floor, pile of my old paints, brushes, and craft crap.

Thursday, October 16, 2003

Where Da Party At

Have you ever found yourself wondering why there's nothing worth seeing in theatres today? Then you might be interested in Mother Theresa: The Musical. I know I am.

On a related matter, "Happy Anniversay Dear Pope-y, Happy Anniversary to youuuuuuuuuuu."

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

Recently e-mailed to me:
"I stil have outstanding question on the translation of the title of the reports the other document is about."

What am I supposed to do with this?

Whereby Crabby Espouses the Eradication of Civil Liberties

I do not believe that we have absolute rights and freedoms. How can we, at least those of us who live in cities, in society? Every single thing we do affects someone else, and not always in a good way. When you wear too much cologne, I get sick. When you speed up my street, my neighbour’s kids are at risk. When my tax dollars support the upbringing of five babies in a fatherless or multi-father home, I want to cheat you back. When you say the Holocaust didn’t happen, it devastates people. And when we hand out free things like book deals, television sets, and university degrees to incarcerated, convicted criminals, I pick up my well-thumbed copy of Thoreau’s Walden Pond and plan my own course of civil disobedience.

Here are some “inalienable rights” that I take issue with:

Freedom of Speech: I don’t support this at all. Hate brokers are all about freedom of speech while inciting racism and spreading measurably hurtful messages. Two examples of how this supposed right is abused include Ernst Zundel’s anti-Holocaust conspiracy theories, and a recent press release from a major political office that included the phrase “evil reptilian kitten eater from another planet”.

The Right to Life: Nope, not this one either. Like most other rights, I believe we earn this – or at least we should behave to a certain standard that allows us to maintain this “right”. Not everybody should be wrapped up in this security blanket. Some lives should be terminated. Yes, that's right, some lives should be terminated. One example for your consideration: Clifford “I’ll tell you where your child’s body is hidden if you pay me $25,000” Olsen.

The Right to an Education: Debatable, to be sure. I believe it is our government’s responsibility, and certainly to their benefit, to educate its citizenry (I hope that’s a word, or they haven’t done a very good job with me). However, I do not believe that it is our "right" to be educated. This is another issue that has been overly coddled by left wing crybabies. I give you Carla Holmoka, who participated in the rape and murder of her own sister to satisfy her sexually deviant husband. While in jail, she earned her degree for free. She was a prisoner, and that was her right. See preceding paragraph.

The Right to Drive: This is a privilege, not a right. I think that drivers should be tested - fully tested (vision checked, written and road tests administered) every ten years. If you don't show up for your test, then your license will be revoked. If you think that a 40 year history of driving gives you the right to not signal, or to drive past open streetcar doors, or to zip up my street at 60 kph., then you need a spanking. You may tell me "I've never had an accident in my life," but I'll bet you've caused a few. See last paragraph.

Two more quick things:

To the True Gentleman, the Exceptional Dude who insisted I take his seat on the streetcar when he saw me rubbing my temples: I was in such agony that I didn’t properly thank you. I promise to pay it forward.

To the Very Busy Person who charged his white van through a red light in order to get past the streetcar, then lost control and flattened two people (and a whole pile of oranges) on the sidewalk at Broadview and Gerrard last night: you belong in jail, pencil-dick.

Tuesday, October 14, 2003


Why do I get a tiny headache everyday at this time? Why do people insist on wearing their knapsacks on the streetcar, or taking up two parking spots? Why does my cat barf in the same spot each morning? Why hasn't anybody commented on my slammin' new pants and shoes? Why didn't anybody like my crab cakes? Why don't I sleep well at night? Why do the two of us always have so much laundry to do? And what's the deal with my hair today?

Thankfully, it's over. I was kicked, sneezed upon, pinched, and nose-pick-flicked. The SpongeBob song will be stuck in my head for days. Nobody ate my crab cakes. Dinner was exhausting; I don't think I finished a complete sentence or thought all day. That said, I have the cutest nieces and nephews in the world.

Need to de-stress? Why not Win some free shoes? I already sent this to some of you... hope that's ok.