Déja Vu
Last summer I embarked on a very strange journey. For the first time in my life, I had to hire an assistant. "That's hot," Mr. Crabby said at the time, and I don't deny that my self esteem notched up a little. An assistant! Of my very own! I felt so important. You can read about that strange journey here and here.

I lucked out and hired the perfect person for the job - after weeks and weeks of searching. By perfect, I mean totally overqualified, but I hoped she'd la st the year. She didn't. Her departure coincided with the end of the fiscal year, so most of the hellish work had been completed, thankfully. And here I am embarking on this journey yet again. Here's a random sampling of the candidates and what happened during their interviews.

T&A guy: Presented very well. Had a stain on his shirt, and the tie was poorly chosen, but it's an entry-level position, so I forgave that. Then, he flipped us through his portfolio. His design work was very strong, and I was impressed by his creativity. Until I saw boobies. Yes boobies - boobies and bush. He had photos of t-shirts that he had designed, with naked ladies grabbing at themselves. I work for a nonprofit organization, but we are pretty corporate. This demonstrated very bad judgement. Next!

Church guy: Faith has its place in my world too, but when I compliment you on your design skills, don't tell me "It's the Lord's work." Again and again and again. Next!

Pants on Fire girl: At the interview, she admitted to having none of the skills she had listed on her resume. And, she had phoned me earlier that morning to ask what time her interview was, as she had forgotten. I showed her the door after about 12 minutes.

Hold a mirror under her nose to see if she's alive girl: She was so shy and quiet that it was a struggle to understand her. And sadly, her answers were all too brief. "Tell me about the most complex project you've ever worked on," I asked. Her answer, after a long pause, was "One time, I had trouble with the Quark file." We waited and waited for her to explain what was so complex about that, but she didn't. "How did you resolve that?" asked my boss. "Um, well, I stayed a little late to make sure I had saved the file." Maybe she'll get lucky and find that Starbucks is also hiring.

Oops, another two weeks slipped by without one creative thought to share. Lots of fun stuff has happened, though: here's an update!

I've enjoyed lots of quality time with the Ice Queen and her prince. Icy re-introduced me to lentils, which I thought I disliked, but which I have been eating daily since our dinner together. Ice Prince sang some songs to me, and even showed me his tummy. I didn't show him mine.

My tummy is shrinking, happily. So are my arms, my legs, and my ass. I could re-name this blog "The incredible shrinking ass" but what's really incredible is the size that it was to begin with. Twenty-one pounds lost, 20 still to go.

I had my fortune told last week, along with Radmila. I was seated in front of a dead cockroach nestled between my forks. I was told that my marriage is wonderful, that my husband will start his dream job soon (this is actually in the works now), and that my mother-in-law is very sick and hasn't told anybody. That's just like her, dearheart that she is. The worst part of the evening was when we got the bill, and saw that I'd been charged for my martini. I guess the roach was free, not the martini.

Two days ago I caved in to my vanity and purchased an eensy teensy pot of eye cream. The twenty-nothing year old with perfect skin and nary a wrinkle told me this would be just the thing. "It's anti-gravity effect will work wonders on those wrinkles." Bitch. She got me right where it counts - in the pocketbook. The eye cream cost $35, and does nothing but make the area around my eyes look a little greasy. I tried it on my lips, and it tingled a little, but puffed them up nicely. Maybe there's value to be had afterall. Unless that was an allergic reaction.

With Mr. Crabby's emphatic disapproval, I prepped and painted our ugliest room last week. The walls were toothpaste-green, had a nasty jungle animal wallpaper border and sponged-on oak leaves in dark green paint. Oak leaves and jungle animals. Uh huh. To all users of wallpaper: leave now. Go. You are a scurge upon this earth.

Next week: the purple bathroom.