Friday, September 12, 2003

The Friday Five
Another stressful week has ended, the military called off the search for my former colleague who was declared "missing" while on a rock-climbing holiday in northern Labrador, and suddenly, shockingly, John Ritter has died of a massive heart attack. As well, a pal at work has quit his two-pack a day cigarette habit after 15 years, and is reportedly puking in the bathroom. So let's keep it light, today.

1) What was the happiest time in your life that you can remember?
"Life as a little girl on Vancouver Island" is tied with "Right now" as the happiest time in my life. "Right now" may be a weak front-runner, because looking back, I never thought I'd have it this good.

2) What would make "right now" a little happier for you?
More money would make me happier. Money to pay a handyman to do everything that we're too lazy to do. But doesn't everybody want more money?

3) Are you generally surrounded by happy people, or miserable little shits?
Shiny, happy people. My co-workers are happy, my neighbours are happy, my friends and family are for the most part happy, I hope. At my last job, everybody was so full of piss and vinegar that it became the norm. Over here, at "new job", it feels like the first sunny, warm day of spring after a long hard winter.

4) What excites you most - anticipation of the moment, or the actual moment itself?
Anticipation causes me anxiety. I enjoy the moment most of all.

5) What parts of your life bring you the most pleasure?
It's not easy to isolate which bits make me most happy. Some days, catching a streetcar right away makes me feel like I've won the lottery. Other days, cooking up something fab in my kitchen while my cats play with their mice-toys beside me is enough to keep a smile on my face. Last night, Mr. Crabby and I had a forever-long walk along the lake, and he was being very funny and cute, and we held hands and laughed a lot. All of that makes everything else tolerable. Tonight, I will get a great deal of pleasure from that Pinot Noir from the Pacific northwest that I've looked forward to all week, and I'm also excited about walking Chi Chi again this weekend.

So maybe anticipation isn't so bad afterall.

Thursday, September 11, 2003

Mixed Reviews
I was just told that I appear at first to be calm, competent, professional, and trustworthy. Upon getting to know me, however, one discovers that I'm really "very wicked".

Compliment or Contempt? Discuss.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

I Am Huckle
Our computers are being inventoried, and we've been asked to "name" them for cataloguing purposes. Many of my associates were away when I.T. Guy came around, so he and I had some office fun. Our most macho and stand-offish colleague now logs into Tinkerbell each morning. The sexy, dark-eyed brooding rocker tests his data on Pookie, and the beautiful, willowy, yoga-loving psychologist reviews proposals on SlamMasterPunk. Opportunity and a good sense of mischief is a dangerous combination. I.T. Guy, a published author and poet, named his 'pute Tennyson, natch.

Tuesday, September 09, 2003

Put Your Money Where It Matters
Torontonians are today being encouraged to eat all three of their meals "out", to go to a restaurant for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I will not participate in this, and in fact am offended by the idea.

Mr. Crabby and I eat out all the time, or have food delivered to us. In fact, we did it twice over the weekend. I have no desire to do it again today, just because "the city needs our help". Toronto already hosted a benefit concert for itself, during which city councillors and politicians sat in catered VIP tents. This city just doesn't get it.

Did you know that 31% of elementary school students and 62% of secondary school students do not eat a nutritious breakfast before heading to school in the morning? For that reason, I am donating what the city is asking me to spend in its restaurants today to the Breakfast for Learning Foundation. If I ran the world, I'd encourage every restaurant to take the proceeds from one table for four today, and do the same.

Charity begins at home; home should not be your charity.

Monday, September 08, 2003

Juice For Jesus
Or that's what I thought the guy passing out leaflets was saying. Having not enough time or space to deek by him and remain flyer-free, I had to accept his proffered pamphlet. "Jews for Jesus" is what it actually said, which makes even less sense. I like the idea of Juice for Jesus better. I think the Catholic Church could make a fortune on this.

Down at the bottom of my freezer I have a bottle of holy water from the River Jordan. Mr. Crabby's parents gave it to us after their trip to Israel, in the hopes that we would use it to baptize our first child. Ha! That's not going to happen. Their only hope now is that one of us needs to be exorcised at some point in the future.

So back to my divine marketing scheme. I think the church should bottle up some holy water, slap a funky label on it (I envision a picture of Jesus from South Park's Jesus vs. the Devil boxing match), and sell it for profit! People could sprinkle it in their homes, christen their sailboats, or fill up a spray gun and spritz it around when walking through bad neighbourhoods. It would treat blemishes and make a heavenly martini. After mass each week, altar boys could solicit parishioners - "Jesus Juice, get your Jesus Juice".

I'd buy it. Would you?