Neighbourly Etiquette

Our neighbour has been an unending source of entertainment for the three years that we've lived beside each other. He's found $6,000 in his BBQ, cut a squirrel free of his laundry line with kitchen scissors, thoughtfully fertilized several neighbours' grass only to burn it to a yellow crisp, chased away litterers and cussing youth, and best of all, tells me whenever he thinks I look pretty.

Last week, he had two cardiac episodes. I won't go into detail, but believe me when I tell you how upsetting this is. He's half deaf, ridden with cataracts, and nearing 80-something years old. Anyway, Mr. Crabby and I have been helping him out, by picking up some groceries, and cutting our own lawn for the first time in three years. Oh, and tonight I'm roasting a chicken, and will send him over a big gooey plate dripping with gravy and roast taters. Get to the point, Crab.

He wants to take us out for lunch. Is this appropriate? It's actually a short but busy week for us... and he's a pensioner... How do I gracefully decline without hurting his old-fashioned feelings?

Want more details about the $6000 in the barbie? Another time, I promise. My mother is coming for dinner, in about 7 minutes, and I am rain-soaked and muddy from walking the dog - who has the scoots AGAIN. The dog, not mummy.

Oh, and speaking of parents, the poem that I wrote for my other neighbour's dead cat Phil.... it's bogus. Phil Lives! Phil Lives!