Just What Every Girl Needs
I saw SpongeBob SquarePants at the corner of Bay and Queen yesterday. He caught me smiling, and gave me a kiss and a hug and a coupon for a submarine sandwich. He'll never know what he did for me that hot, sunny afternoon. Sometimes, a little bit of affection from an upholstered cartoon character is just the thing.

A block later, I was handed another coupon, this time to have a professional bra fitting. This is something I've never considered doing, as a career, or as a customer. "Maybe I'll go for it," I thought to myself. Every girl needs at least one pseudo-lesbian encounter in her lifetime.

The bad news today is that our coffee supply has fallen victim to our prez's "let's do our part" campaign. Yesterday, no office lights, only one printer out of six working, water cooler and fridge unplugged, and don't you dare get caught at the photocopier or elevator. Now, no coffee. Is this constitutional?