Bath Time With Crabby
Hello! Sure, come in. There’s enough room, and lots of bubbles still. Hop in – I’ll avert my eyes. Hmmm? Oh, I was just reading the labels on these aromatherapy bath products. Yes, it does seem indulgent for a Tuesday morning, but I’m trying to shake this headache that I’ve had since yesterday.

“Not tested on animals.” That’s a good thing, wouldn’t you agree? That poorly-constructed sentence guided me, the consumer, in my decision to purchase that product. How can you not support such a thing?

But what about the bad animals, the annoying animals, like Cujo, pit bulls that eat children, or the Energizer Bunny, Barney, or… Shrek? Why couldn’t we spritz cologne on their bottoms once in a while? Yes, I include humans in the “bad animal” category as well, don’t you worry. Jeffrey Dahmer would make an excellent candidate for scientific testing, but he’s dead – more’s the pity. I’d be willing to rub mentholated chapstick under Paul Bernardo’s eyelids… and observe. “Please note that the serial killer is experiencing discomfort.” Wah, wah, wah.

As every crazy idea needs a theme song, I propose that we spoof Lawrence Gowan’s Strange Animal. “You’re a bad animal, that’s what I know…”

Can you pass me that bottle please? Oh, you like that? Yes, rosemary peppermint bodywash – it’s very effective. I feel better already. “Not tested on animals.” Chalk it up to missed opportunities.

I don’t mean to offend. Sometimes when I feel unwell I get very crabby. Anyway, it’s my bathtub. If you don’t agree with me, you can make like John Kruk, and pick up your ball and go home.